Generation X-Lax: How old am I? Gather 'round children and I'll dance around the question till my Buster Browns wheeze like an old jalopy

It’s official. I've gotten to the age where I don’t want say my age anymore. Okay, I’m lying. I crossed that line years ago. Now I’m at the age where I run every cultural reference I might utter through a “Will This Date Me?” filter and where every mention of AMC Gremlins and “The Bugaloos” risks baring my (well worn) bottom.

So I remind myself that old is relative and there’s no better way to put my wrinkles in perspective than to compare stuff I’m old enough to remember with stuff I’m too young to remember. So without further 23 skidoo, here’s my cleverly titled list of:

“Things I Remember and Things I Don’t Remember”

I remember: Jimmy Durante impressions
I don’t remember: Jimmy Durante

I remember: Coke spoons
I don’t remember: “Reefer Madness”

I remember: Girdles
I don’t remember: Petticoats

I remember: Richie Cunningham
I don’t remember: Opie Taylor

I remember: The cutest boy in the world, Donny Osmond.
I don’t remember: The cutest boy in the world, Rudolph Valentino.

I remember: Nixon’s assurance, “I am not a crook”
I don’t remember: Anyone believing him

I remember: Eight-track tapes
I don’t remember: Being able to endure “Ben” just to get past it on the track to hear “Dancin’ Machine”

I remember: Percolated Maxwell House
I don’t remember: Anyone liking percolated Maxwell House

I remember: Josie and the Pussycats
I don’t remember: Any other G-rated use of the word “pussy”

I remember: Eastern Airlines
I don’t remember: Anyone who answered to “stewardess” and said “Coffee, tea
or milk?”

I remember: AMC Pacers
I don’t remember: Anyone in the government saying, “Isn’t that a lot of glass to be encased in when you’re doing 50?”

I remember: Everyone wearing $5 Adidas T-shirts
I don’t remember: Anyone wearing $40 Adidas sneakers

I remember: Refundable 32-ounce glass soda bottles
I don’t remember: Refundable 32-ounce glass soda bottles without dead bugs in them

I remember: The evening newspaper
I don’t remember: Reading the evening newspaper

I remember: Looking forward to the day when I would grow up to be as beautiful as Cheryl Tiegs.
I don’t remember: Rhinoplasty

I remember: Free drinking water
I don’t remember: Drinking any water without first adding a whole cup of sugar and the form of FD&C red dye No. 5 marketed as Kool-Aid

I remember: Billy Beer
I don’t remember: Billy, with our without beer, coming within 100 miles of the Whitehouse

I remember: Hitchhikers
I don’t remember: Picking up hitchhikers

I remember: Jokes about Studebakers
I don’t remember: Studebakers

I remember: Sego brand low-calorie diet meal-replacement drink
I don’t remember: Drinking Sego without ice cream blended in

I remember: People with a strong work ethic
I don’t remember: Listening to the lectures of people with a strong work ethic

I remember: Junior high school
I don’t remember: June in high school

I remember: Bobby Vinton
I don’t remember: Why anyone watched Bobby Vinton

I remember: E-ticket rides at Disney World
I don’t remember: Ever having enough E-tickets

I remember: “Well-marbled” steaks
I don’t remember: 76-year life expectancies

I remember: Jordache
I don’t remember: The mirror ever confirming that I had acquired the “Jordache Look”

I remember: Harvey’s Bristol Crème
I don’t remember: Keeping down Harvey’s Bristol Crème

I remember: The Yugo
I don’t remember: Dating anyone who drove a Yugo

I remember: Milli
I don’t remember: How or why I blocked out Vanilli

I remember: Sonny Bono the hippie
I’d rather not remember: Sonny Bono the Republican congressman