Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Form Letters for Dealing with Unwelcome Facebook Friend Requests

Dear ____

Thank you for writing to me. I do not hear from many friends since my brain problem. Im feeling alot better, even though I don’t remember too good what all happened that night. Hey, now that I hear from you I think I remember: Weren’t you driving my car that night? Please give me your phone number so my mom can call you and ask what happened that night and if you were drinking.

Also, come over for fluffer nutters.




Dear _____

It’s wonderful to hear from you, though I cannot say it was a surprise. I knew that one day Jesus would draw you close enough that I could help you find his light and help guide you toward His one true church: Uniscientarianism, which teaches that the one true path to God is through overseas missionary work combined with a carb-restricted diet, door-to-door testifying and shedding yourself of all your material shackles. I look forward to helping you come into his light over the months and years to come!





Dear _____

What a trip hearin’ from you. Man, if it weren’t for this Facebook stuff I tell you I’d go nuts in this place. By “this place,” I’m sure you know I’m talking about the San Tancredo State Correctional Facility, where I’m stuck serving fifteen to twenty just for downloading a few hundred pictures “the man” says I shouldn’t be allowed to have.

Having someone like you on the outs can definitely make my life in here a lot easier. And if you can follow my directions for baking me a very special kind of birthday cake, maybe you can help me make my time here a lot shorter, too!

Write back soon. I mean it.




Dear ______

How are you?!? It’s great to hear from you! I guess you found my Facebook page through the dating site where I linked it. I bet you were surprised to see me on a site that hooks up people who don’t meet society’s standards of beauty. But, as I’m sure you saw in my photo spread, I’ve let myself go these last few years. But, hey, you were never one for dentists, either, now were you!?! And we unattractive folks enjoy discreet encounters, too. After all, that’s what the Bumping Uglies website is all about!

Please write and let me know where you’d like to meet and what you want me to wear.




Dear ______

Thanks for friending me! I’m doing good -- really excited about getting started with Amway. Do you know about Amway? Well, it works like this …


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6 comments:

Sudeep said...

A real treat. :)
I've shared the link here: thecreativ3bee.blogspot.com.
(That isn't not okay, right?)

June Casagrande said...

Of course you can link! Thanks for askin'!

Mallory said...

Snort! Those were hilarious, thanks for the laugh!

June Casagrande said...

Thanks. I know Amway references are old, old, old, but I love how the mere mention of the name says so much.

P.S. Come over for fluffer nutters.

Mallory said...

shoot, add some banana to that fluffer nutter and I say, what time?? oh and Amway references never get old

June Casagrande said...

All right. You're on the guest list for my Amway fluffer-nutter party. As a new Amway distributor, you'll be able to afford all the bananas you like. You see, Amway ...

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