Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Women: What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

My friend, author Treacy Colbert, was inspired recently by a viral e-mail about classic rock bands to put a female spin on the subject. So we both chipped in ideas and came up with ....


WOMEN: What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You


Van Halen: You can play ping-pong with your hands tied behind your back.

Dan Fogelberg: You are sexually aroused by doilies.

James Taylor: You're appalled by how much the average consumer spends on shampoo.

Aerosmith: You can tie a cherry stem into a knot in your mouth.

Motley Crue: You can tie a cherry stem into a knot in someone else's mouth.

The Indigo Girls: You always cry at commitment ceremonies.

Gordon Lightfoot: The rose tattoo on your breast is now long-stemmed.

Air Supply: You have a standard poodle named Skyler.

Journey: You have a daughter named Skyler.

Spandau Ballet: You have a son named Skyler.

Celtic Woman: You’re on your third name change, first Summer, then Skyler, now Windstar.

Ronnie James Dio: You're on your third sloe gin fizz.

The Doors: You're on your third liver.

The Who: You have a “Teenage Wasteland” bumper sticker on your Rascal.

Boston: You can confirm the veracity of reports about the man from Nantucket.

Loverboy: You know a website that sells Bartles & James wine coolers.

Cyndi Lauper: You still bop even though it inflames your carpal tunnel syndrome.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Two words: government cheese.

Rolling Stones: You've said "Welcome to Walmart" so many times the words have lost all meaning.

Joni Mitchell: You have used a speculum as a roach clip.

The Beatles: Your hedge fund outperformed the S&P by three percent.

America: It has never occurred to you that “the heat was hot” is redundant.

Bread: You have satisfied the munchies by eating one of your scented candles.

Seals and Crofts: You own a large collection of mismatched, partially shredded knee-highs.

Al Stewart: You’re surprised when the bartender doesn’t know what a kir is.

Rod Stewart: You still own—and wear—the outfit you had on in the family photo taken in 1970.

Jackson Browne: Ativan is now your favorite controlled substance.

Grateful Dead: You slept with your son's roommates at Tufts.

Pink Floyd: You married your dealer, then dumped him to run off with his dealer.

Bob Dylan: Haybuh homa fleege, trumuh fleege, maddle flooge.

Sammy Hagar: You keep your G.E.D. certificate in the back of your Ford Maverick, along with all your other possessions.

Ozzy Osbourne: You campaigned for Lyndon LaRouche, but only because you had him mixed up with a cartoon skunk.

Allman Brothers Band: Your kids call the Health and Human Services outreach specialist “Uncle Greg.”

AC/DC: If you can read this, you don’t really qualify as an AC/DC fan.

Yes: Your subwoofers are the envy of your assisted-living facility.

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8 comments:

Meredith said...

Treacy and June, I really enjoyed this list of bands. So fun and funny! I am a big music nut so this list really appeals to me. I must love Dan Fogelberg since I get excited when I see doilies. :)

June Casagrande said...

Ha! You must have been writing that comment just as I was sending you the list. Talk about being on top of things!

Glad you got a smile out of this!

- J

(P.S. I'm hoping this will be the impetus for a support group for the seemingly rampant doily disorder.)

Val Span said...

These are hilarious! Thanks for the good laugh.

June Casagrande said...

Thanks!

Debbie Diesen said...

This cracked me up - thanks!

June Casagrande said...

For a children's book author, you have a delightfully twisted sense of humor! Glad you got a kick out of this.

8'FED said...

If I'd seen the original viral email, would I be in a better position to understand why being male or female has anything to do with what your favourite band says about you, aside from trivialities like where the rose tattoo is located?

There are no bands on this list that I've ever bought an album from, which is not surprising. (Me? Classic Rock? I don't think so.) The closest would be Celtic Woman, of which I have a pair of DVDs, but those were gifts and not my own acquisitions. (Also: Celtic Woman? Classic Rock? I don't think so.)

June Casagrande said...

We were just inspired by a funny e-mail and needed a new spin -- female -- to allow us to riff on it.

I'm not much of a classic rock person, either. But it does lend itself to comedy in a way that other genres don't. (What could you say about a Donna Summer fan that would humorously distinguish them from a K.C. and the Sunshine Band fan. I know, I know: not your genre either. But you see my point!)

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