Comma-dy

So I was talking to Paula Poundstone last night about commas …

Did that sound convincingly casual? Did I successfully mask my awe about getting to talk to a comedian I’ve admired for years?

No? That’s okay. I can admit it: I’m dazzled and resorting to name-dropping. But in the process I can also pass on a bit of information that you might find interesting.

It started last night when -- thrill of thrills -- I was one of the authors on a panel with Poundstone, comedian Robert Schimmel and authors Dan Kennedy and Beth Lisick (all of whom were hilarious, by the way). It was an event for Friends of Libraries USA and was part of the American Library Assn.’s annual conference at the Anaheim Convention Center.

Afterward there was a book signing. Once I finished signing copies of Mortal Syntax, I joined the line of people waiting for Poundstone to sign copies of her book, There’s Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say. She was so gracious -- chatting up the people in line and dipping into a seemingly bottomless font of funny stories.

When I got to the front of the line, she told me a little about her struggles to help assure that her kids get a good education -- especially when it comes to grammar and punctuation. It’s an even tougher struggle than you might guess. Poundstone told me that, a while back, she had been talking to one of her kids’ teachers and she mentioned that she would like her kids to have a good grasp of how to use the comma. The teacher, according to Poundstone, said (and I paraphrase): “I don’t teach them about commas. Commas are going to be obsolete soon.”

I paused. Did this teacher know something I didn’t? Was he privy to some cutting-edge research demonstrating that the comma is melting away like the polar ice caps? (Self-doubt is my default response in these situations, by the way. You could tell me, “Did you know your middle name isn’t really Margaret? It’s Beelzebub,” and my first impulse would be to check my birth certificate.)

It was the kind of statement that could easily put grammar-minded people like you and me on the knee-jerk defensive. “No way, man! The comma lives!” So in this case I’m pleased that I seriously weighed the idea before deciding that the teacher was, more likely than not, full of crap.

Yes, commas are largely ignored in school kids’ text messages. Yes, this could change how and when they’re used. But, like grammar in general, commas arose out of their usefulness. To pilfer an example from “Eats, Shoots and Leaves,” consider the difference between:

Woman. Without her, man is nothing.

and

Woman without her man is nothing.

I think the comma will survive. If I’m wrong, that’s okay, too. It will just mean that we found some other way make ourselves understood. Until then, I’ll just be happy that no commas are required in the sentence:

Teachers who talk out their backsides should consider other careers.

Zell As Shining Example for Wordsmiths Everywhere

If I had a nickel for every time an English teacher told her students that language skills are essential for success, I still wouldn’t be as rich as Sam Zell, the Chicago kerjillionaire who ascended from humble beginnings as a garden gnome to become king of Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune and some stuff to do with sports.

So I can’t help but think of those poor teachers as I reflect on something Zell said in yesterday’s press conference regarding his conquest of All Things Tribune. The question wasn’t audible, at least not to those of us listening in via the Tribune website, but through context clues (a concept I learned in an English class) I was able to figure out that a reporter had asked Zell whether he wanted to get involved in the editorial side of the newspaper business. Zell answered with a loud and resounding no, which he punctuated by adding that he got “shitty grades in English.”

There’s a lesson here for kids: If you want to be successful, don’t listen to your English teacher. She’ll never tell you that, in this world, success comes to those who have more use for the word “shitty” than for the word “subjunctive.”